Birthday Party of Doom
by Dharma Bum
Summary: Dib's birthday isn't going so well. Script format.


INVADER ZIM  
"BIRTHDAY PARTY OF DOOM"  
  
INT. DIB'S HOUSE -- MORNING  
  
An unusually chipper DIB is getting ready for school--brushing teeth, gathering books, etc. There is an immense smile on his face. He runs downstairs and into the kitchen, where he throws the door open gleefully and waits for something--which doesn't happen.  
  
GAZ is sitting at the table, eating cereal.  
  
DIB  
Morning, Gaz. Isn't this a nice morning? A nice  
(elbow)  
special morning?  
  
GAZ  
It's MY cereal. You can't have it.  
  
Dib approaches the refrigerator.  
  
DIB  
Yes, a terrific, ordinary, everyday  
(yanks open the refrigerator in anticipation)  
special morning!  
  
Whatever he expects to see in the refrigerator isn't there.  
  
GAZ  
And I need ALL the milk for MY cereal.  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE enters.  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE  
Good morning, kids.  
  
DIB  
Hi, Dad! Isn't this a great  
(elbow)  
special morning?  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE  
(thinks)  
No, actually, it seems quite ordinary.  
  
DIB  
Ha, ha.  
(watches as Gaz eats and his father makes toast)  
Um, nobody's forgotten anything, right? Forgotten anything like...maybe...someone's birthday?  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE  
It's someone's birthday, is it? My, my.  
  
DIB  
(losing it)  
It's my birthday, Dad.  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE  
Oh, really? I'm sorry, son, it must have slipped my mind. Busy, busy, you know.  
  
DIB  
We're going to have a cake, right? Presents?  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE  
I'll have to look at my schedule, son. Don't think I can fit it in. Maybe next month sometime.  
  
GAZ  
Don't look at me.  
  
DIB  
But, Dad--  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE  
Here, son. Happy birthday! Have some--  
(presents it with a flourish)  
toast!  
  
He gives Dib a piece of toast. Gaz gets down from the table.  
  
GAZ  
Don't you dare embarrass me in skool today. You got that?  
  
She and Membrane exit, leaving Dib holding his toast.  
  
  
  
EXT. SKOOL  
Dib gets off the bus and approaches the door. ZIM, in his skool disguise, appears in front of him and laughs evilly. Dib walks past without responding. Zim does a take, then follows Dib inside.  
  
INT. SKOOL HALL  
They stop outside the classroom door.  
  
ZIM  
Such a fine day, Dib. Enjoy it, for it may be your last. Mwahahaha.  
  
DIB  
You're not going to bug me today, Zim. Today's my birthday.  
  
ZIM  
Birth-day? You humans are still so primitive as to celebrate birth-days?  
  
DIB  
Yes, Zim. Humans have birthdays. I suppose you don't even have birthdays on your planet.  
  
ZIM  
I've had more birth-days than you've had...something you've had a lot of. They are insignificant.  
  
DIB  
Yeah, well, on Earth we make a big deal out of birthdays, Zim. We have parties and presents, and hang around with our friends and families, and everyone is happy for us, and...  
  
Gaz walks between them, shoving Dib out of the way.  
  
GAZ  
(to Dib)  
Why don't you just go to outer space and stay there?  
  
CHUNK (O.S.)  
Hey, weirdo!  
  
A paperball hits Dib in the head. Dib sulks. Zim laughs and walks into the classroom.  
  
  
  
INT. CLASSROOM--LATER  
The children are hunched over huge piles of books, working like tiny wage slaves. Dib is drawing a picture of many rockets, cannons, etc. being launched at a stick-figure labeled "Zim".  
  
MS. BITTERS  
Class, we have a birthday today.  
  
The class cheers.  
  
MS. BITTERS  
(cont)  
Dib's birthday.  
  
The cheering instantly stops.  
  
MS. BITTERS  
(cont)  
And we have a choice between stopping work to have a birthday party for Dib...  
  
Dib brightens.  
  
MS. BITTERS  
(cont)  
Or we can have a math test.  
  
Beat.  
  
ZITA  
Math test. Definitely.  
  
The class nods in agreement.  
  
DIB  
I vote for party.  
  
MS. BITTERS  
Overruled.  
  
She starts passing out papers.  
  
MS. BITTERS  
I hope you all have been studying your differential equations.  
  
CHUNK  
Thanks a lot, weirdo. Now cause of you we got a test.  
  
He throws a paperball at Dib's head. It is followed by a rain of other projectiles. Dib steams. Ms. Bitters approaches Zim's row with the papers.  
  
ZIM  
Differentials? You think I, Zim, fear differentials? I have been differentiating since before you were born!  
  
MS. BITTERS  
I highly, highly doubt that.  
  
Zim makes a face at Dib. Dib turns aside. Another paperball bounces off his head. He starts to work on his test, but the bell rings.  
  
MS. BITTERS  
(cont)  
Out of time. You all fail. I'm not surprised.  
  
The other kids ignore Dib as he makes his way to the door.   
  
  
  
EXT. PLAYGROUND  
  
Dib walks to a pay phone at the edge of the skoolyard. He puts in a few coins and dials.  
  
DIB  
Hi, Mom. It's me, Dib....Yeah, I just thought I'd call you, it being, you know, today and all...Dib. Your son...Yeah...It's my birthday. Remember?...No, Mom. That's Gaz. I'm Dib. Glasses? Completely normal-sized head?..Yeah, Mom. Yeah, I understand. Nice talking to you, I...  
  
There is an audible click and Dib is talking to dead air.  
  
DIB  
(cont)  
...Yeah.  
  
He hangs the phone up and walks sourly through the skoolyard. Groups of children point and laugh at him. A ball hits him in the head. His shoulders slump lower and lower as he walks over to an isolated spot by the wall, where he sits down. Zim approaches, waving a piece of paper.  
  
ZIM  
Enjoying your "birth-day", Dib?  
  
DIB  
Whatever.  
  
ZIM  
Your plan to defeat me with this test of differentiation has failed, as my superior Irken mind has enabled me to complete it without error. Again you have failed, Dib! When will you learn that, try as you might, you will never defeat me! Ahahahahaha!  
  
Dib doesn't react. Zim looks annoyed.  
  
ZIM  
(cont)  
I said, try as you might, you will never defeat me! Ahahaha--  
  
DIB  
Go away, Zim.  
  
ZIM  
Never! I shall never go away, not until your planet is a smoking ruin of...ruined...  
  
DIB  
(rubbing at one eye)  
Leave me alone.  
  
ZIM  
Ruined...non-good...stuff. What did you say?  
  
DIB  
(catch in voice)  
I said I don't care.  
  
ZIM  
You ignore me? How dare you ignore Zim!  
  
DIB  
Whatever. Just go away.  
  
ZIM  
(more surprised than anything)  
You admit defeat?  
(gets over it)  
Hah! You admit my superiority? You admit my overwhelming genius? You admit that I have beaten all your attempts to stop me? Your pathetic, pointless, laughable, futile...  
  
Dib sniffles.  
  
ZIM  
..total, utter, insignificant...  
  
Zim realizes Dib isn't listening. He stares at Dib for a few seconds, then breaks into maniacal laughter and turns to walk away. He stops laughing, looks back over his shoulder at Dib for a few seconds, expression unreadable, then breaks into laughter once more and waits for a reaction. Dib doesn't move. Zim walks off, his laughter increasing.  
  
  
  
INT. ZIM'S LAB  
THE TALLEST are on the viewscreen. Zim stands proudly in front of them, awaiting praise.  
  
RED  
You're telling us that you've destroyed your greatest enemy...  
  
PURPLE  
A young Earthling...  
  
RED  
...through a never-ending campaign of intimidation and abuse?  
  
ZIM  
Yes, my Tallest. The Dib has completely surrendered to the superiority of Zim and now falls to his knees a quivering, helpless wreck before me.  
  
RED  
So in other words, you made a little kid cry.  
  
ZIM  
Yes.  
(take)  
I mean, no. I...  
  
RED  
Nice one, Zim.  
  
PURPLE  
Real classy.  
  
RED  
I think this conversation is over.  
  
He reaches for an unseen toggle and the viewscreen goes dark.  
  
ZIM  
But, but, you don't understand! The Dib is not like other Earthlings! He is the only one with the knowledge and skill to stand in my way! He--  
  
(sighs; shoulders slump)  
  
Gir!  
  
GIR salutes.  
  
GIR  
(red eyes)  
Yes, my master!  
  
ZIM  
Now that the menace of the Dib has been removed once and for all, let us get on with conquering this vile planet.  
  
GIR  
(blue eyes)  
Wheeee!  
  
Zim turns to another console and brings up a file.  
  
ZIM  
I'll just...No, wait. I don't need this part anymore. Okay, I can use this one...no, that one hinged on interference, okay, what about this one...no...  
  
He stares at the screen. One antenna droops.  
  
ZIM  
(cont)  
Something's missing.  
  
He punches up another plan.  
  
ZIM  
(cont)  
Ah! This one! This is the plan I shall use to...to...But this one is so...boring.  
  
He throws himself back in his chair, arms waving in exasperation.  
  
ZIM  
(cont)  
The challenge, Gir! Where is the challenge? Where is the mighty battle that I can recount to the Tallest when I present the smoking ruin of this planet to the Armada?  
  
GIR  
In the sink?  
  
ZIM  
I need something to inspire me, Gir. I need something to test myself against, something to push me, something to make me fulfill my potential as the greatest invader that the Irken race has ever seen! I need--  
  
His eyes narrow ominously.  
  
ZIM  
(cont)  
Yes. Yes!  
(evil laugh)  
  
  
  
INT. DIB'S HOUSE  
The house is dark and quiet. Dib enters and closes the door behind him.  
  
DIB  
(a little too loud)  
I'm home!  
  
He walks into the darkened room.  
  
DIB  
(cont)  
Yep, here I am, home from school. Just a regular day home from school..yes, here I am, home...  
  
He sneaks up to the kitchen door.  
  
DIB  
(cont)  
Yes, just an average, normal, day, like any other--HAH!  
  
He slams the kitchen door open.  
  
  
  
INT. KITCHEN  
  
The kitchen is unoccupied.  
  
DIB  
(weakly)  
Ha ha. Okay, that's a good one. Okay. Yes.  
(walking into the kitchen)  
Okay. I'm ready for the next part. You know? The part where you all jump out and yell "Surprise"? That part?  
  
(SFX: crickets)  
  
Dib's hopeful look vanishes to be replaced by a bitter scowl.  
  
  
  
NT. DIB'S ROOM  
Dib walks into his room and throws himself on his bed, staring at the ceiling. After a beat Gir appears in the window, peering over the sill, singing a tuneless little song to himself. Dib doesn't move. Gir climbs in the window and starts exploring the room. Then he jumps onto Dib's stomach.  
  
GIR  
Hiya!  
  
DIB  
(not moving)  
Go away.  
  
GIR  
It's doom time! Doomdydoomdy doom doom...  
  
DIB  
I don't care.  
  
Gir explores the shelves, pulling out complicated devices.  
  
GIR  
Oooh! What is it?  
(throws it over his shoulder)  
Ooh! What is it?  
(repeat ad lib)  
Oooh! Hahahhahahaaha!  
  
Dib doesn't react. Gir squeals and runs out of the room.  
  
GIR (O.S.)  
Ooh! What's this do?  
  
He comes back into the room waving a spray bottle. Dib looks around.  
  
DIB  
Hey! That's my dad's hair gel!  
  
Gir squirts hair gel around the room, alternately singing and laughing.  
  
DIB  
Put that back, you little...  
  
He gets up and goes after Gir. Gir jumps on the windowsill, cackles, and jumps out. Dib looks outside.  
  
DIB  
(cont)  
Come back here with that!  
  
He runs from the room.  
  
  
  
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE ZIM'S HOUSE  
Gir runs along, squirting hair gel and laughing, keeping one step ahead of Dib. He runs up the sidewalk and pauses at the door, turning to look at Dib and laugh, before darting inside.  
  
DIB  
Oh, terrific.  
(a moment's indecision)  
I can always go buy Dad some more hair gel, I guess.  
  
From O.S., Gir LAUGHS. Dib growls to himself and charges up the sidewalk into Zim's house.  
  
  
  
INT. ZIM'S HOUSE  
Dib charges into the darkened room.  
  
DIB  
All right, robot. I'm gonna--Aagh!  
  
A trap door opens under his feet and he falls through a maze of tubes, far, far under the house, into a dark room. A spotlight focuses on him. Dib winces and tries to shield his eyes from the painfully bright light. Another light comes on, revealing Zim sitting at a control deck high above the floor. Zim leers triumphantly.  
  
ZIM  
Dib! How nice of you to drop in.  
  
DIB  
I don't want a fight, Zim. I just want your robot to give me back my dad's hair gel and I'll go home.  
  
ZIM  
Home? I don't think so, Dib. Welcome! Welcome to my little  
(pushes a switch, laughs maniacally)  
party!  
  
The lights come on all over the room. The floor rumbles. A trap door parts, and an ominous, elaborate piece of machinery rises and locks into place. It looks something like an armored picnic table, complete with benches; a cake sits atop it.  
  
GIR  
Party! Party!  
  
The top of his head opens and confetti pops out.  
  
DIB  
Is that a cake?  
  
ZIM  
Bwahahaha!  
  
DIB  
But I--  
  
A robotic arm picks him up and drops him on the bench. Another drops a blinking alien object atop the cake.  
  
ZIM  
The device will explode in ten seconds if you do not disarm it!  
  
Dib pushes a few buttons and the object stops blinking. Zim jumps to his feet, furious.  
  
ZIM  
(cont)  
Curse you! Curse you, Dib-monkey! You have prevented the explosion and now we must--EAT CAKE!  
  
GIR  
Presents! Presents!  
  
He drops a wrapped box on Dib's lap. Dib opens it.  
  
DIB  
A camera?  
  
Gir gives Dib another box, which contains a computer disk, and a third box, which contains a t-shirt that reads IRKENS ROCK. Gir picks up a handful of cake, stuffs it into his mouth, and runs away.  
  
ZIM  
Admire the presents of Zim!  
  
DIB  
This is a...birthday party?  
  
ZIM  
Ah. Very good, Dib. You have figured out my plan, but it is...too late!  
(rubs claws together)  
  
GIR  
Game time!  
  
He pushes several buttons on a wall panel. Laser guns appear all over the room and start shooting. Both Zim and Dib wind up taking refuge behind the table. Gir runs about laughing.   
  
ZIM  
Gir! Cut it out!  
  
There is an explosion O.S. Zim pokes his head up long enough to grab the cake. He and Dib start eating in silence.  
  
GIR  
(ad lib)  
Wheee! Party party party!  
  
DIB  
(through a mouthful of cake)  
You know, not that I really care, but...you oughta do something about him.  
  
ZIM  
I've tried.  
  
Gir runs about in the background, squealing, while various forms of destruction take place about the room. Dib and Zim finish the cake. Gir runs up.  
  
GIR  
More cake?  
  
DIB  
It's all gone.  
  
GIR  
Okey-dokey.  
  
He falls over, inert. The lasers stop. Dib and Zim crawl out cautiously from behind the table and look at the smoking ruin of the room.  
  
DIB  
Well. I guess I oughta be getting home now.  
  
ZIM  
Well. I suppose you should.  
  
Dib picks up the presents.  
  
GIR  
(waking)  
Present!  
  
He runs up to Dib and gives him the bottle of hair gel. Dib walks to the lift, then stops to turn and face Zim.  
  
DIB  
You know I'm going to take pictures on my way out.  
  
ZIM  
Yes. You know the defenses will take the camera away from you.  
  
DIB  
Yes. You know I still intend to expose you.  
  
ZIM  
Yes. You know I still hate you.  
  
DIB  
Yes. Me too.  
  
ZIM  
All right, then.  
  
DIB  
All right. See you in skool.  
  
He leaves.  
  
GIR  
(sniffing)  
Awwwww. That was soooo cuuuuuute.  
(a beat: shrieking)  
Party! Parrrtyyy!  
  
The lasers start up again. 


End file.
